Never Split the Difference

Posted on 2025-09-20

I read the book "Never Split the Difference : Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It" by Chris Voss a month ago and finally got time to write some notes down. I love this type of book that provides structured, practical suggestions for achieving a goal, backed by academic research and theories.

This book is building its argument on some well-established, peer-reviewed psychological theories that show human decision-making is often more emotional and irrational than we'd like to believe. Voss grounds his approach in Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky's foundational research on behavioral economics and cognitive psychology. The specific concepts highlighted in the book are: cognitive biases, the framing effect, loss aversion, system 1 and system 2 thinking:

Cognitive biases: People are not purely rational actors. Instead, our decisions are influenced by systematic, unconscious, and irrational mental shortcuts.
The framing effect: People respond differently to the same choice depending on how it's presented or "framed." For example, framing a negotiation in terms of what the other party stands to lose is often more powerful than framing it in terms of what they stand to gain.
Loss aversion: A core tenet of Prospect Theory, this principle states that the psychological pain of a loss is roughly twice as powerful as the pleasure of an equivalent gain.
System 1 and system 2 thinking: Introduced in Kahneman's book, Thinking, Fast and Slow, this model describes two distinct modes of thought. System 1 is our fast, instinctive, and emotional mind. System 2 is our slow, deliberate, and logical mind. Voss's techniques are designed to bypass the logical System 2 and appeal directly to the emotional and intuitive System 1.

The central tenets of Chris Voss's effective negotiation strategy are rooted in emotional intelligence and a shift from a competitive to a collaborative mindset. Rather than seeking a compromise, his methods focus on understanding the other party to influence their decision-making. The key elements of his approach include:

Tactical empathy: intentionally using empathy to understand the other person's perspective, emotions, and motivations. The goal is to build a trust-based relationship, not necessarily to agree with them.
Active learning: it's important to truly listen to what the other person is saying, rather than just waiting for your turn to speak. This includes paying attention to their words, tone, and body language, to uncover their real needs and fears.
Calibrated questions: open-ended questions that start with 'how' or 'what', and are designed to give the other person the illusion of control while you guide them toward a solution that benefits both sides.
Key techniques:
- Mirroring: repeating the last one to three key words of what the other person has said. This encourages them to elaborate and creates a sense of rapport.
- Labeling: verbally identifying the acknowledging the other person's emotions. This helps to diffuse negative emotions and makes them feel heard.
- The power of 'no': 'no' is not a failure but a critical starting point. It makes the other party feel safe and in control, and it allows you to get past insincere agreements to uncover the true issues.
- "That's right" as the goal: Instead of aiming for "yes," the ultimate goal is to get the other person to say, "That's right." This phrase signifies that they feel you have accurately understood their position and worldview, creating a turning point in the negotiation.

Other impressive key lessons to remember:

Be ready for possible surprises, and use skills to reveal the surprises
View assumptions as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them rigorously
Negotiation is not a battle but a process of discovery with the goal of uncovering as much information as possible
Let the person be in a positive frame of mind. Positivity creates mental agility in both you and your counterpart
Keep voice calm and slow. Create an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness
Use positive / playful voice as default. Use direct or assertive voice rarely
Acknowledging the other person's situation to convey that you are listening
Focus first on clearing the barriers to agreement
Pause and let the other party to fill in the silence
Label your counterpart's fears to diffuse their power and generate safety, well-being, and trust
Accusation audit: List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can
All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs
Don't compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides
Approaching deadlines entice people to rush the negotiating process and do impulsive things that againt their best interests
Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your 'real' offer seem reasonable, or usse a range to seem less aggressive.
People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain.
Avoid asking questions that can be answered by 'yes'. Ask calibrated questions that start with the words 'how' or 'what'. Avoid asking questions starting with 'why' which is always an accusation in any language.
Calibrate questions to point your counterpart toward solving your problems.
There is always a team on the other side. You are vulnerable if you don't influence those behind the table.
Asking 'how' question gives counterpart an illusion of control and leads them to contemplate yoru problems when making their demand.
Identify the motivations of players 'behind the table'. You can do so by asking how a deal will affect everybody else and how on board they are.
Pay 38% attention to tone of voice and 55% to body language. The rest 7% is on words.
Test whether 'yes' is real or counterfeit by using calibrated questions, summaries, and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times.
Pay attention to a person's use of pronouns which offers deep insights into his or her relative authority. If you are hearing a lot of 'I', 'me', and 'my', the real power to decide probably lies elsewhere. Picking up a lot of 'we', 'they', and 'them', it's more likely you are dealing directly with a savvy decision maker keeping his options open.
Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks.
Identify your counterpart's negotiation style: Accomodator, Assertive, or Analyst.
Prepare dodging tactics to avoid getting sucked into the compromise trap.
Learn to take a punch or punch back without anger. The guy across the table is not the problem, the situation is.
Prepare an Ackerman plan:
1. Set you target price (goal)
2. Set your first offer at 65% of your target price
3. Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85%, 95%, and 100%)
4. Use lots of empath and different ways of saying 'No' to getthe other side to counter before you increase your offer
5. when calculating the final amount, use precise, non round numbers like, $37,893 rather than $38,000. It gives the number credibility and weight.
6. On your final number, throw in a non monetary item (that they probably don't want) to show you are at your limit.
Black swans are leverage multipliers. Remember the three types of leverages: positive (the ability to give someone what they want); negative (the ability to hurt someone); and normative (using your counterpart's norms to bring them around).
Understand the other side's 'religion / worldview' (reason for being) so that we are able to speak persuasively, develop options that resonate for them, and build influence. Black swan usually dwells in the hidden negotiation space.
People are more apt to concede to someone they share a cultural similarity with.
Get face time with the counterpart.

Selected Quotes:

What good negotiators do when labeling is to address those underlying emotions. Labeling negatives diffuses them (or defuses them, in extreme cases); labeling positives reinforces them.

Great negotiators seek 'No' because they know that's often when the real negotiation begins.

Whether you call it "buy-in" or 'engagement' or something else, good negotiators know that their job isn't to put on a great performance but to gently guide their counterpart to discover their goal as his own.

Never split the difference. Creative solutions are almost always preceded by some degree of risk, annoyance, confusion, and conflict. Accommodation and compromise produce none of that. You've got to embrace the hard stuff. That's where the great deals are. And that's what great negotiators do.

If you can get the other party to reveal their problems, pain, and unmet objectives - if you can get at what people are really buying - then you can sell them a vision of their problem that leaves your proposal as the perfect solution.

When you are selling yourself to a manager, sell yourself as more than a body for a job; sell yourself, and your success, as a way they can validate their own intelligence and broadcast it to the rest of the company. Make sure they know you'll act as a flesh-and-blood argument for their importance.

The key issue here is if someone gives you guidance, they will watch you to see if you follow their advice. They will have a personal stake in seeing you succeed. You've just recruited your first unofficial mentor.

Negotiation was coaxing, not overcoming; co-opting, not defeating. Most importantly, successful negotiation involved getting your counterpart to do the work for you and suggest your solution himself. It involved giving him the illusion of control while you, in fact, were the one defining the conversation.

Asking for help in this manner (give illusion of control by asking calibrated questions), after you've already been engaged ina dialogue, is an incredibly powerful negotiating technique for transforming encounters from confrontational showdowns into joint problem-solving sessions. And calibrated questions are the best tool.

Expression of anger increase a negotiator's advantage and final take. Anger shows passion and conviction that can help sway the other side to accept less. However, by heightening your counterpart's sensitivity to danger and fear, your anger reduces the resources they have for other cognitive activity, setting them up to make bad concessions that will likely lead to implementation problems, thus reducing your gains.

Also beware: researchers have also found that disingenuous expressions of unfelt anger - faking it - backfire, leading to inractable demadns and destroying trust. For anger to be effective, it has to be real, the key for it is to be under control because anger also reduces our cognitive ability.

No deal is better than a bad deal. Once you're clear on what you bottom line s, you have to be willing to walk away. Never be needy for a deal.

Think of punching back and boundary-setting tactics as a flattened S-curve: you've accelerated up the slope of a negotiation and hit a plateau that requires you to temporarily stop any progress, escalate or de-escalate the issue acting as the obstable, and eventually bring the relationship backto a state of rapport and get back on the slope. Taking a positive, constructive approach to conflict involves understanding that the bond is fundamental to any resolution. Never create an enemy.

By positioning your demands within the worldview your conuterpart uses to make decisions, you show them respect and that gets your attention and results. Knowing your counterpart's religion is more than just gaining normative leverage per se. Rather, it's gaining a holistic understanding of your counterpart's worldview and using that knowledge to inform your negotiating moves.

Two tips for reading religion correctly:

Review everything you hear

Use backup listeners whose only job is to listen between the lines. They will hear things you miss.

When you recognize that your counterpart is not irrational, but simply ill-informed, constrained, or obeying interests that you do not yet know, your field of movement greatly expands. And that allows you to negotiate much more effectively.

The Art of 'No':

Saying "No" gives the speaker the feeling of safety, security, and control. You use a question that prompts a "No" answer, and your counterpart feels that by turningyou down hehas proved that he's in the driver's seat. Good negotiators welcome - even invite - a solid "No" to start, as a sign that the other party is engaged and thinking.

Gun for a "Yes" straight off the bat, though, and your counterpart gets defensive, wary,and skittish. That's why I tell my students that, if you are trying to sell something, don't start with "Doyou have a few minutes to talk?" Instead ask, "Is now a bad time to talk?" Either you get "Yes, it's a bad time" followed by a good time or a request to go away, or you get "No, it's not" and total focus.

It's a reaffirmation of autonomy. It is not a use or abuse of power; it is not an act of rejection; it is not a manifestation of stubbornness; it is not the end of the negotiation.

"No" has a lot of skills:

"No" allows the real issues to be brought forth

"No" protects people from making - and lets them correct - ineffective decisions

"No" slows things down so that people can freely embrace their decisions and the agreements they enter into

"No" helps people feel safe, secure, emotionally comfortable, and in control of their decisions

"No" moves everyone's efforts forward

There is a big difference between making your counterpart feel that they can say "No" and actually getting them to say it. Sometimes, if you are talking to somebody who is just not listening, the only way you can crack their cranium is to antagonize them into "No".

One great way to do this is to mislabel one of the other party's emotions or desires. You say something that you know is totally wrong. That forces them to listen and makes them comfortable correcting you.

Another way to force "No" in a negotiation is to ask the other party what they don't want. People are comfortable saying "No" here because it feels like self-protection. And once you've gotten them to say "No", people are much more open to moving forward toward new options and ideas.